Welcoming this new year with a new blog...
New Years can be hard for people. It conjures up so many ideas and aspirations of what could be and what we'd like to become. But a lot of times this mindset comes from a place of thinking about everything we are not, a feeling we need to obliterate our old selves and become unrecognizable. I know because this feeling has hit me as well. My aspirations for this year are all focused on outcome. On pushing myself. Thoughts of a new perfect morning routine, crushing the gym, training for a triathlon with my friends in the summer and trying to accomplish all these very external things. And while these things can certainly be great and have a positive impact I have to ask the question... where do these desires come from and where are they really taking me?
I had told myself I wanted to start waking up and crushing some workouts and become a very fit person and have a nice body because I thought it would make me happy but I havent been able to successfully wake up and do so yet. The truth is it feels really stressful to me, unnatural. I really don't like the way I am living my life and it has nothing to do with my health or body but instead everything to do with how I view myself and the world around me. I hate how everything we are meant to do is to be in the pursuit of something. Money, jobs, future planning, health goals, productivity hacks, morning routines. All in the mindset and focus of acheiving something and to always be working on something. Even just writing this makes my soul feel tired and deflated. I have heard that a hurried heart is a sick heart and I couldn't agree more. It sometimes feels like I don't know how to feel joy in my life and I think that comes from the great lack of presence in my life. I feel like I walk past life focussed on something else but never actually observe the life around me. I have these emotions, images, and ideas but they float around inside of me and never get to see the light of day. And it makes me wonder what it is I really want. I think if you truly want it, it is something you can wake up and look forward to doing. For me that is an early quiet morning, wearing something comfrotbale not worrying about what the day has instore from the world around but instead comes from an internal place. I want to drink tea, breathe for a minute, and do some reading, do some writing, wake up to the world and pick up a pencil and see what happens. If there's anything I'm doing this year it's to not fight my nature but embrace it. To stop beating myself up for not hitting the ground running when I wake up, I don't want to seize the day, I want to steep in it. Slowly breathe and be grateful and just feel the beauty around me. I always have put pressure on myself to feel like a "cool girl" but I need to face the facts, it's not for me. Nobody is going to look to me for advice on gym workouts, hairstyles or makeup but that doesn't mean the things I do aren't important or meaningful.
I came across these words today by Georgia O'keefe, she said:
“Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing--and keeping the unknown always beyond you.”
This quote almost brought me to tears because it says so clearly what I've struggled to find the right words to say. I am not fueled to make art for success, I simply want to make my unknown known. Through my words and creations. To have humility, patience and wonder still for the world, to let that feel like my light in dark or grey times.
I want to create from this place. That is why for this new year I actually don't have any goals. Instead it's simply to let myself be me. Stop trying so damn hard to prove myself and instead rather let myself be myself. Art and writing have always meant so much to me but for almost a decade I have never let myself sink into either, always feeling like I need to push myself towards something else in order to succeed. But now truly all I want is to take this time to try and to let myself be seen trying. Even if it's just myself seeing myself trying.
If you have a similar experience or feelings I welcome you to join me on this journey. I've decided to start this blog as an outlet where I can write but more importantly document these thoughts and discoveries. A way to reflect, look back, learn and grow as I allow myself to embrace a more quiet inner mindset. It really does feel like balm for my hurried heart and tired soul. A place to rest in and live by.
May you guys also find rest and deep joy in this new coming year.
Chat again soon
~ B